The Warrior Within
Hello hello hello. Is it too late to say Happy New Year lol ;)
I promised myself a lot of things this year and one of them was blogging more regularly and I am determined to make this happen no matter what.
I really hope this post reaches someone out there and it is definitely one of my most difficult posts to write but closure is always good and helps to heal the soul. If you are going through a very bad situation, trust in the Lord and believe he has a plan no matter the outcome. "He never gives us more than we can handle".
Here goes.......
So last year seemed to be a year of the rollercoaster for me..
January got some bad news which was very heart-breaking and tried to move past it. Roll on February my mother was diagnosed with Cancer. At this point I just thought what more could go wrong. A perfectly healthy woman and one that is health-conscious at that became a victim to this deadly thing.
My initial reaction as my dad broke this news to me and my siblings was to 'act tough'. The minute everyone dispersed I broke down like I never have..on the floor and all I could mutter and cry out was Goddddddd.
I felt my whole world turned upside down and was even feeling worse because I didn't even consider how my mother was feeling. Each day got more real and I still couldn't believe this news because I never thought in a million years this would be me. My mother..has..Cancer..
If you think you have the strongest faith, trust me in times of deepest adversity you will eventually start to doubt your own faith. So many thoughts running through my head as we went on this journey with my mum. It was so draining, heartbreaking but she's my mother and my whole world so little was the pain I felt compared to what she would have been feeling.
Each day I watched as the life began to drain out of my mother's plump and full of life body. Some days I couldn't even look at her because I'd burst into tears. But I tell you this woman was truly amazing. Yes her faith was shaken but it got stronger each time too. She never stopped praying, she never stopped being kind and she NEVER for once stopped being a wife and mum. Her strength is truly admirable.
We never knew what to expect as a family or how to deal with this situation because it was all new to us. I had days where I just wanted to give up because it just felt all too overwhelming.
One thing I'll advice is guys if you have friends, good friends around you please make use of them because that is why they have been placed in your life. To have your back and not just you having theirs. Learn to 'receive help' because no one man can do it alone. This is a mentality I have had from a young age, I find it hard to share my problems at the risk of being a burden but I am thankful for relentless and selfless friends. Those that have prayed for me, prayed with me, cried with me, laughed with me. God truly hand-picked them for me. I am happy to say I am a work-in-progress and I'm glad I shared my worst moment with them.
Another lesson I picked up during this trying time of my life is that God will reveal a lot of things to you, things you may already know but you chose to ignore. Lessons were truly learnt and God really did full cleanse in my life. Painful I must say but necessary and with that being said I have no regrets at all. It's all a part of life and marching forward with a clean heart and maintaining kindness always.
Fastforward to September, we were in and out of hospital because mum was getting worse from the meds and everyone was worried. Again I tried to keep my faith going because truly this was the only thing I had. I'd pray with mum, listen to some worship music, Sit with her.
We all could see her health was deteriorating and the cancer became aggressive, I will admit I was scared..very scared but tried not to show it.
She has this occasional passing out and confusion phase but on this very day things were different, she wasn't responding. My heart never beat so fast, my sister was panicking and praying and I just held mum's hands whilst trying to keep her calm.
Couple hours later the ambulance came and before we knew it she was put on life support machine. And I thought wait what..isn't this just another one of the episodes. Things went from 0 to 100 real quick. At this point my faith was just levitating. I called my mentor and one of my best friends and I just couldn't hold back the tears.
Eventually mum became stable and responding and being a mum and wife again as usual lol. She was eating, being bubbly (Glory be to God).
For almost over a month, each day we would all be at the hospital, taking turns and I truly thank God for an amazing dad that loves his wife relentlessly, brought meaning to 'in sickness and in health'. He would sleep over every night and refused to leave his wife's side.
This period brought me closer to God and strangely I felt at peace through it all because the message that kept resonating from the Holy Spirit was Isaiah 41:10-13-
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.
Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Anyway I was glad to see her doing better and on this fateful day it was my turn to stay with her and take over from siblings and she stopped responding completely but her eyes were open. I was still standing on God's word that yes she WILL be fine. Days went by, weeks and she was still in same condition which was now classed as coma.
I don't know about you guys but seeing my mum in such a helpless state, nothing broke my heart more. She looked in pain and there was nothing I could do to ease this. After all her years of tending to my pain, ensuring myself and my siblings had the best of everything and this one moment I couldn't do anything. All I could do was make declarations over her and told her to keep fighting because she is my mother and I needed her to not go anywhere. I wasn't ready.
The doctors came each day telling us to 'prepare' and we'd all reject it because we believed God's report.
October...so it was my friend's engagement ceremony and my siblings were with my mum alongside my dad so I thought I'd blow a little steam. Told my family my plans and all was going well until I received a call from my dad. His tone was was different this time and I was worried but he didn't say much. So I spoke to my sister she said all was well but I had to reconfirm with my brother and he assured me all was well and I should stop worrying because mum was fine so I felt relief.
But then throughout the party I just developed this weird mood, I was feeling uneasy but I still smiled through the day. If you weren't close to me you wouldn't know the enormity of the troubles facing me. Eventually my emotions started to betray itself and people started asking me what's wrong but I couldn't really say what was going on because I was there to celebrate my friend not dampen the mood. As I got tired of people questioning me decided to get an Uber home. On my way home I rerouted and was just urged to go to the hospital. Upon getting there I saw the 'call for nurse' help light outside my mum's ward I didn't think nothing of it. I stepped in and she was breathing funny and gasping and said to my dad who seemed very distraught that maybe 'something was stuck in her throat' hence the haphazard breathing and that God is in control. The nurses came and calmed her but the gasping started again and now dad was really upset I tried to tell him again God has already done it.
I was on my phone and all I heard was my dad call my name..he said 'Bisola can you not notice what has happened'. My response was yes see it was just something blocking her airway she's fine now.
He looked at me and shook his head saying these words. The most heart-wrenching 4 words I have ever heard for the second time after my sister passed- "Your mum has passed".
Life froze for a moment, literally. I said Dad no way she has a pulse and I felt it. Alas there was no pulse. But I patiently waited for the nurses to come confirm what I already knew and they called the time, looked at me and said same thing. My legs literally collapsed beneath me. My stomach started turning, my head burning. Confused and shocked.
My siblings had to be called back to the hospital and I honestly cannot explain that night in words. I wouldn't leave her side thinking she would wake up. I couldn't sleep because the shock would just wake me up, cried for days, for weeks thinking she would come back home. She never did.
My mother, my twin, my confidant, my best friend was gone and I didn't get a chance to repay her fully, for her to enjoy the fruits of her labour. Those that know me will know I don't play with my mother or my dad.
During this period I quit my last workplace to get something bigger and better and I remember she was even scolding me why I did that but I had faith in God that I'd land a great role.
Mum passed, work wasn't coming. Things looked really bleak, At some point all I could say was God why.
As you have it through all of this I got an interview for a job I never even remembered applied for..and I got the job. My rainbow on a cloudy day I was super grateful. But then the job required me moving away from my family at a time when it was all so fresh and delicate but I decided I needed the space.
What I didn't prepare for was the sleepless nights, nightmares, waking up sweating in the middle of the night and the suicidal thoughts. This is a part I never shared with anyone but my mentor because really how do you say to anyone that you thought about ending it all.
I struggled with all of this and you know what, now I can gladly say my God gave me victory. What the enemy planned for my downfall, the Lord turned it around for my good. It all started to click that scriptures he placed in my heart during her sickness(Isaiah 41:10-13) was not for my mum but for ME.
I am not writing this post to tell you it has been an easy journey. I am still battling, I am still hurting but I know my life serves for a greater purpose on this earth and more than ever I am inspired to make an impact. My life is not perfect and far from it and I have the scars to prove it but I can tell you this the Lord ALWAYS looks after his own. He didn't say we won't go through fire but he promised us this, we won't be scorched or set ablaze. Just like potter's clay going through the refiner's fire, we will come out of it redefined and refined. With a testimony to come out of it.
Be encouraged today and remember that no one knows and loves you more than God. Before you were formed in your mother's womb he already knew you so trust him and don't lose hope. Whatever that situation may be that you think you can not make it out of, just leave it to him Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope- Romans 5:3-4
Because after all is said and done we will all have to account to the Ultimate Judge; all that we have done on this earth. Did you truly live for Christ or were you merely just passing by- Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him - James 1:12
And to my dear beautiful Mother continue to sleep in the Lord. Thanks for raising me to be the woman I am today. Love you forever and always.
I promised myself a lot of things this year and one of them was blogging more regularly and I am determined to make this happen no matter what.
I really hope this post reaches someone out there and it is definitely one of my most difficult posts to write but closure is always good and helps to heal the soul. If you are going through a very bad situation, trust in the Lord and believe he has a plan no matter the outcome. "He never gives us more than we can handle".
Here goes.......
So last year seemed to be a year of the rollercoaster for me..
January got some bad news which was very heart-breaking and tried to move past it. Roll on February my mother was diagnosed with Cancer. At this point I just thought what more could go wrong. A perfectly healthy woman and one that is health-conscious at that became a victim to this deadly thing.
My initial reaction as my dad broke this news to me and my siblings was to 'act tough'. The minute everyone dispersed I broke down like I never have..on the floor and all I could mutter and cry out was Goddddddd.
I felt my whole world turned upside down and was even feeling worse because I didn't even consider how my mother was feeling. Each day got more real and I still couldn't believe this news because I never thought in a million years this would be me. My mother..has..Cancer..
If you think you have the strongest faith, trust me in times of deepest adversity you will eventually start to doubt your own faith. So many thoughts running through my head as we went on this journey with my mum. It was so draining, heartbreaking but she's my mother and my whole world so little was the pain I felt compared to what she would have been feeling.
Each day I watched as the life began to drain out of my mother's plump and full of life body. Some days I couldn't even look at her because I'd burst into tears. But I tell you this woman was truly amazing. Yes her faith was shaken but it got stronger each time too. She never stopped praying, she never stopped being kind and she NEVER for once stopped being a wife and mum. Her strength is truly admirable.
We never knew what to expect as a family or how to deal with this situation because it was all new to us. I had days where I just wanted to give up because it just felt all too overwhelming.
One thing I'll advice is guys if you have friends, good friends around you please make use of them because that is why they have been placed in your life. To have your back and not just you having theirs. Learn to 'receive help' because no one man can do it alone. This is a mentality I have had from a young age, I find it hard to share my problems at the risk of being a burden but I am thankful for relentless and selfless friends. Those that have prayed for me, prayed with me, cried with me, laughed with me. God truly hand-picked them for me. I am happy to say I am a work-in-progress and I'm glad I shared my worst moment with them.
Another lesson I picked up during this trying time of my life is that God will reveal a lot of things to you, things you may already know but you chose to ignore. Lessons were truly learnt and God really did full cleanse in my life. Painful I must say but necessary and with that being said I have no regrets at all. It's all a part of life and marching forward with a clean heart and maintaining kindness always.
Fastforward to September, we were in and out of hospital because mum was getting worse from the meds and everyone was worried. Again I tried to keep my faith going because truly this was the only thing I had. I'd pray with mum, listen to some worship music, Sit with her.
We all could see her health was deteriorating and the cancer became aggressive, I will admit I was scared..very scared but tried not to show it.
She has this occasional passing out and confusion phase but on this very day things were different, she wasn't responding. My heart never beat so fast, my sister was panicking and praying and I just held mum's hands whilst trying to keep her calm.
Couple hours later the ambulance came and before we knew it she was put on life support machine. And I thought wait what..isn't this just another one of the episodes. Things went from 0 to 100 real quick. At this point my faith was just levitating. I called my mentor and one of my best friends and I just couldn't hold back the tears.
Eventually mum became stable and responding and being a mum and wife again as usual lol. She was eating, being bubbly (Glory be to God).
For almost over a month, each day we would all be at the hospital, taking turns and I truly thank God for an amazing dad that loves his wife relentlessly, brought meaning to 'in sickness and in health'. He would sleep over every night and refused to leave his wife's side.
This period brought me closer to God and strangely I felt at peace through it all because the message that kept resonating from the Holy Spirit was Isaiah 41:10-13-
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.
Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Anyway I was glad to see her doing better and on this fateful day it was my turn to stay with her and take over from siblings and she stopped responding completely but her eyes were open. I was still standing on God's word that yes she WILL be fine. Days went by, weeks and she was still in same condition which was now classed as coma.
I don't know about you guys but seeing my mum in such a helpless state, nothing broke my heart more. She looked in pain and there was nothing I could do to ease this. After all her years of tending to my pain, ensuring myself and my siblings had the best of everything and this one moment I couldn't do anything. All I could do was make declarations over her and told her to keep fighting because she is my mother and I needed her to not go anywhere. I wasn't ready.
The doctors came each day telling us to 'prepare' and we'd all reject it because we believed God's report.
October...so it was my friend's engagement ceremony and my siblings were with my mum alongside my dad so I thought I'd blow a little steam. Told my family my plans and all was going well until I received a call from my dad. His tone was was different this time and I was worried but he didn't say much. So I spoke to my sister she said all was well but I had to reconfirm with my brother and he assured me all was well and I should stop worrying because mum was fine so I felt relief.
But then throughout the party I just developed this weird mood, I was feeling uneasy but I still smiled through the day. If you weren't close to me you wouldn't know the enormity of the troubles facing me. Eventually my emotions started to betray itself and people started asking me what's wrong but I couldn't really say what was going on because I was there to celebrate my friend not dampen the mood. As I got tired of people questioning me decided to get an Uber home. On my way home I rerouted and was just urged to go to the hospital. Upon getting there I saw the 'call for nurse' help light outside my mum's ward I didn't think nothing of it. I stepped in and she was breathing funny and gasping and said to my dad who seemed very distraught that maybe 'something was stuck in her throat' hence the haphazard breathing and that God is in control. The nurses came and calmed her but the gasping started again and now dad was really upset I tried to tell him again God has already done it.
I was on my phone and all I heard was my dad call my name..he said 'Bisola can you not notice what has happened'. My response was yes see it was just something blocking her airway she's fine now.
He looked at me and shook his head saying these words. The most heart-wrenching 4 words I have ever heard for the second time after my sister passed- "Your mum has passed".
Life froze for a moment, literally. I said Dad no way she has a pulse and I felt it. Alas there was no pulse. But I patiently waited for the nurses to come confirm what I already knew and they called the time, looked at me and said same thing. My legs literally collapsed beneath me. My stomach started turning, my head burning. Confused and shocked.
My siblings had to be called back to the hospital and I honestly cannot explain that night in words. I wouldn't leave her side thinking she would wake up. I couldn't sleep because the shock would just wake me up, cried for days, for weeks thinking she would come back home. She never did.
My mother, my twin, my confidant, my best friend was gone and I didn't get a chance to repay her fully, for her to enjoy the fruits of her labour. Those that know me will know I don't play with my mother or my dad.
During this period I quit my last workplace to get something bigger and better and I remember she was even scolding me why I did that but I had faith in God that I'd land a great role.
Mum passed, work wasn't coming. Things looked really bleak, At some point all I could say was God why.
As you have it through all of this I got an interview for a job I never even remembered applied for..and I got the job. My rainbow on a cloudy day I was super grateful. But then the job required me moving away from my family at a time when it was all so fresh and delicate but I decided I needed the space.
What I didn't prepare for was the sleepless nights, nightmares, waking up sweating in the middle of the night and the suicidal thoughts. This is a part I never shared with anyone but my mentor because really how do you say to anyone that you thought about ending it all.
I struggled with all of this and you know what, now I can gladly say my God gave me victory. What the enemy planned for my downfall, the Lord turned it around for my good. It all started to click that scriptures he placed in my heart during her sickness(Isaiah 41:10-13) was not for my mum but for ME.
I am not writing this post to tell you it has been an easy journey. I am still battling, I am still hurting but I know my life serves for a greater purpose on this earth and more than ever I am inspired to make an impact. My life is not perfect and far from it and I have the scars to prove it but I can tell you this the Lord ALWAYS looks after his own. He didn't say we won't go through fire but he promised us this, we won't be scorched or set ablaze. Just like potter's clay going through the refiner's fire, we will come out of it redefined and refined. With a testimony to come out of it.
T H I S I S M Y T E S T I M O N Y!
Be encouraged today and remember that no one knows and loves you more than God. Before you were formed in your mother's womb he already knew you so trust him and don't lose hope. Whatever that situation may be that you think you can not make it out of, just leave it to him Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope- Romans 5:3-4
Because after all is said and done we will all have to account to the Ultimate Judge; all that we have done on this earth. Did you truly live for Christ or were you merely just passing by- Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him - James 1:12
Do not be ashamed or afraid to say a prayer when in trouble. The word of God said "Call unto me and I will answer you"- Jeremiah 33:3
We all fight different battles daily. So today I pray for strength and peace for anyone out there going through a hard time and they feel so alone and lost. May the Lord send you help and comfort you.
You are stronger than you think because there is a warrior within you.
You are stronger than you think because there is a warrior within you.
Signed,
B xoxo
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