Hurt but not Broken
In life we will face challenges and trials but it's important not to run away from the lessons they teach us and find some joy out of those hard and testing moments (James 1:2)
This post is to encourage someone out there that no matter what you are going through, never stop trusting God.
If you have been following my post for a while, you'll know a series of events have happened to me.
So I lost my eldest sister and 3 years later I lost my mother, these amazing women were my best friends, prayer warriors and more to me.
When I lost my sister, I couldn't even process it and it felt weird and surreal because at many points I was in denial but one thing that kept me going was even in her last moments she never stopped smiling and assured everyone all is well. Almost as if she knew she was going (mind you she was in her 30s). Her faith in God was one I have always admired and looked up to, she made such an impact in her community, won so many souls to Christ even in her passing.
I felt empty for a while and spiraled. Indulged in bad habits such as overspending even on things I didn't require and having a non-chalant attitude. But then God gave me a wake-up call and I was reminded that I had a purpose to fulfill on earth...the same way my sister fulfilled hers.
Fast forward 3 years later, my mother died....ok so you know the bible verse saying 'affliction will not rise the second time'? At this point, all the feelings I felt 3 years ago came rushing back and everything I felt was magnified x100. Nothing made sense anymore, I couldn't eat or sleep.
I started to question God, lamenting how unfair it was to take my sister and my mother. I actually did not want to live anymore. Those that know me, in my usual state I repress things so I repressed even more, I became reclusive wanting to shut everything and everyone out including my siblings and dad.
Even went as far as taking a job that took me away from home in the middle of nowhere (literally lol) where nobody knew me or what had just happened to me. This was a terribly bad idea now that I think of it lol.
Here I was miles away from home. For 2 weeks straight I felt suicidal, waking up in cold sweat and had nobody around me. But you see here's the thing when God has a plan for you, he really has a plan for you.
God raised up people for me in my most vulnerable moments, people that prayed with me and even prayed for me behind the scenes without my knowledge. This is the only explanation I can think of as to why I am still standing.
I was hurting so bad, so so bad that I even stopped going to church for almost a year as I didn't see the point. I was tired of the world and God but still...still God did not forsake me even when I put him to the side.
I know everyone has a story but this is mine.
The enemy has been throwing challenges and issues my way and I have been hurt many times with scars to prove it but still I stand.
I can't even begin to tell you how much harm God has saved me from and honestly out of everything I have gone through, losing two of the most important in my life has to be one of the worst but I tell you God is still faithful.
Fun fact: When I was about 7/8 years old I jokingly stood in front of a mirror and made a covenant with God to never stop praising & worshiping him. Little did I know that this covenant would become reality and till this day whenever I take the stage to lead praise & worship, I do it like my life depends on it because truly there's nothing better than leading people into his presence. In his presence there's safety, there's freedom, lives are saved and transformed, all issues become nothing before God.
Last year was quite a monumental year for me, a lot of milestones were achieved and one of them I am actually in the process of and it breaks my heart knowing I do not have my mother and sister to share these new memories with.
That being said my scars (physical and otherwise) are not there for me to be mocked or to show defeat but rather they are a testament that God is still moving and he is still proving just how great he is.
What should have broken me only made me stronger and my whole life barr these two incidents is literally a testimony of God's goodness. I should have been forgotten a long time ago but God remembered me for good.
You know sometimes I wish I could go back to the person I once was but God reminded me that person is no more because I am renewed in him. He broke me to mold me into a woman after his heart, a woman with an insane thirst for God, a woman with many imperfections serving a perfect God.
So now when life brings disappointment my way or people hurt me, I remind myself that I can forgive because I have been forgiven and I also remember just how far God has brought me.
Yes I know it is not always easy to forget some things but with God's grace and mercy we can embody compassion the way Christ expects us to.
We have all been saved and redeemed by grace so it doesn't matter what hurt you or who hurt you, just remember that you serve a God that mends broken heart, a God that restores, a God that redeems. Trust him!
Yes I went through a blazing fire but I came out refined. I have been terribly hurt but I am not broken (Isaiah 43:2).
Stay encouraged whatever the season is and know he has a plan for you. Just like a diamond cannot be polished without friction, uncomfortable situations have to happen for us to truly know who we are in Christ.
Prayer: Lord help me to embrace my toughest moments and never forget who you are.
Signed,
B xo
This post is to encourage someone out there that no matter what you are going through, never stop trusting God.
If you have been following my post for a while, you'll know a series of events have happened to me.
So I lost my eldest sister and 3 years later I lost my mother, these amazing women were my best friends, prayer warriors and more to me.
When I lost my sister, I couldn't even process it and it felt weird and surreal because at many points I was in denial but one thing that kept me going was even in her last moments she never stopped smiling and assured everyone all is well. Almost as if she knew she was going (mind you she was in her 30s). Her faith in God was one I have always admired and looked up to, she made such an impact in her community, won so many souls to Christ even in her passing.
I felt empty for a while and spiraled. Indulged in bad habits such as overspending even on things I didn't require and having a non-chalant attitude. But then God gave me a wake-up call and I was reminded that I had a purpose to fulfill on earth...the same way my sister fulfilled hers.
Fast forward 3 years later, my mother died....ok so you know the bible verse saying 'affliction will not rise the second time'? At this point, all the feelings I felt 3 years ago came rushing back and everything I felt was magnified x100. Nothing made sense anymore, I couldn't eat or sleep.
I started to question God, lamenting how unfair it was to take my sister and my mother. I actually did not want to live anymore. Those that know me, in my usual state I repress things so I repressed even more, I became reclusive wanting to shut everything and everyone out including my siblings and dad.
Even went as far as taking a job that took me away from home in the middle of nowhere (literally lol) where nobody knew me or what had just happened to me. This was a terribly bad idea now that I think of it lol.
Here I was miles away from home. For 2 weeks straight I felt suicidal, waking up in cold sweat and had nobody around me. But you see here's the thing when God has a plan for you, he really has a plan for you.
God raised up people for me in my most vulnerable moments, people that prayed with me and even prayed for me behind the scenes without my knowledge. This is the only explanation I can think of as to why I am still standing.
I was hurting so bad, so so bad that I even stopped going to church for almost a year as I didn't see the point. I was tired of the world and God but still...still God did not forsake me even when I put him to the side.
I know everyone has a story but this is mine.
The enemy has been throwing challenges and issues my way and I have been hurt many times with scars to prove it but still I stand.
I can't even begin to tell you how much harm God has saved me from and honestly out of everything I have gone through, losing two of the most important in my life has to be one of the worst but I tell you God is still faithful.
Fun fact: When I was about 7/8 years old I jokingly stood in front of a mirror and made a covenant with God to never stop praising & worshiping him. Little did I know that this covenant would become reality and till this day whenever I take the stage to lead praise & worship, I do it like my life depends on it because truly there's nothing better than leading people into his presence. In his presence there's safety, there's freedom, lives are saved and transformed, all issues become nothing before God.
Last year was quite a monumental year for me, a lot of milestones were achieved and one of them I am actually in the process of and it breaks my heart knowing I do not have my mother and sister to share these new memories with.
That being said my scars (physical and otherwise) are not there for me to be mocked or to show defeat but rather they are a testament that God is still moving and he is still proving just how great he is.
What should have broken me only made me stronger and my whole life barr these two incidents is literally a testimony of God's goodness. I should have been forgotten a long time ago but God remembered me for good.
You know sometimes I wish I could go back to the person I once was but God reminded me that person is no more because I am renewed in him. He broke me to mold me into a woman after his heart, a woman with an insane thirst for God, a woman with many imperfections serving a perfect God.
So now when life brings disappointment my way or people hurt me, I remind myself that I can forgive because I have been forgiven and I also remember just how far God has brought me.
Yes I know it is not always easy to forget some things but with God's grace and mercy we can embody compassion the way Christ expects us to.
We have all been saved and redeemed by grace so it doesn't matter what hurt you or who hurt you, just remember that you serve a God that mends broken heart, a God that restores, a God that redeems. Trust him!
Yes I went through a blazing fire but I came out refined. I have been terribly hurt but I am not broken (Isaiah 43:2).
Stay encouraged whatever the season is and know he has a plan for you. Just like a diamond cannot be polished without friction, uncomfortable situations have to happen for us to truly know who we are in Christ.
Signed,
B xo
Beautiful read. Very encouraging. May God continue to be your strength. Xx
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